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 매일 매일 자기 전에, 이에프티로 기억 나는거 하나씩 중화시키고 있어요-

 지금은 감정이 평균점에서 약간 올라갔다 내려갔다하면서 , 그냥 저냥 좋아요(제가 이상태를 얼마나 바랬었는데요 기적같죠)



선생님께서 저는 어렸을때 분리불안이 가장 큰 것일 거라고 하셨는데,

거기에 대해서도 조금씩 한 것 같아요. (그러니깐 기억은 안나서 직접적 경험을 가지고는 못했지만..

엄마가 제 말을 무시했을때 막 짜증나고 화났거든요
나는 엄마가 무시해서 내 말을 무시해서 화난다 화난다 계속 두드리다 보니깐
나중에
엄마가 나를 함부러 하는게 무섭다 버림받는것 같다 엄마가 나를 무시하면 나는 아무것도 할수 없다 나는 무기력하다 슬프다
이런쪽으로 원감정?이 나오는거 같아요. 막 울음이 나오더라구요

이런식으로 계속 해주니깐, 엄마가 똑같이 행동해도 예전처럼 막 화나진 않더라구요

리프레이밍으로 엄마가 내 말을 잘들어주는 상황이나 제가 들어가서, 달래주는 그런 장면을 상상했거든요





또 가장 유용했던건

이에프티를 하면 꿈을 많이 꾸는데
꿈에서, 친구들끼리 막 놀때 무시당하는 느낌이 드는 장면
꿈속에서 강렬하게 자기혐오나 죄책감이 드는 꿈이 몇개 있었어요..
내용은 기괴하구요, 온통 상징덩어리이지만, 그 안에 느껴지는 제 감정들이 있었어요

특히나

제가 수능 언어영역에서 계속 시간이 모자라서 시험에서 탈락?하는 꿈을 3번이나 꿔서
이걸 가지고 이에프티로 풀었어요,

꿈 장면은 생생하게 기억이 났기 때문에 꿈을 떠올려서
그 감정을 느끼고 아쉬움과 후회와 그런걸 느끼고 두드리고
그렇게 한참을 하다 보면
저절로 리프레이밍이 일어나더라구요
또는 스스로
언어영역에서 시험이 기다려지는 그런 설렘, 결과를 확인하고 싶다 여유있다 이런 장면들로 바꾸기도 했구요.

기억이 잘 나는 꿈, 여러번 꾼 꿈들을 가지고 이에프티 하는것도 효과가 큰 것 같아요

기억이 안나는 경험을 꿈으로 풀면, 꿈 속 장면이 꽤 생생해서 그런지.. 그런가봐요 ㅎ



사람 욕심은 끝도 없나봐요 ㅎ.ㅎ

독해지고 싶고
행동하고 싶고
뭔가 맘먹으면 꾸준히 하고 싶은데

정말 그게 힘들어요

이건 제가 버텨야 하는 거겠죠?

이에프티로 두들려도 워낙 무의식이 제 변화를 잘 받아들이지 않네요ㅠㅠ

그래도

항상 삼보전진 일보후퇴 = 이보전진이라는 선생님 말씀을 잘 기억하고 있답니다!

그럼 건강하시고

또 올게요~ ^^

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  • profile
    [레벨:30]자연스러움 2010.09.01 10:35

    씨캣님, AKEFT를 열심히 그리고 꾸준히 하고 계시는 군요. 정말 반갑고 보람되고 기쁩니다.^^
    원감정을 찾아가시는 것을 보니 이제 좀 더 하시면
    원하시는 독하게(?) 마음먹고 꾸준히 행동하면서 자신을 잘 돌보는 삶을 사시겠네요.^^

    꿈도 무의식과 연결되는 좋은 통로입니다. 씨캣님의 정성이 무의식과의 공감을 잘 이끌어 내고 계시니 마음이 놓입니다.
    우리는 항상 자신의 욕구(소망, 원하는 것)을 잘 충족하고 받으려고 행동하고 말합니다.
    이것을 실시간으로 잘 떠올리시면,
    어머니가 설령 화를 내신다고해도 나와 어머니를 연민으로 바라볼 수 있게 될겁니다.
    "엄마는 지금 무엇을 원하는데 그것이 이루어지지 않아서 감정을 저렇게 나에게 토로하고 있을까..."
    우리는 상대방의 행동을 있는 그대로 보려고 하지 않고, 자신이 원하는 행동을 상대방이 하지 않는 것에만 집착하려는 경향이 있습니다.
    즉, 나는 어머니에게 존중받고 이해받고 싶은데 나와 연결하고 싶지 않다는 태도로 행동하는 어머니를 보면 나도 역시 화가 나는 거지요.
    나의 소원이 이루어지 않아서 말입니다.
    그것이 씨캣님의 처음 언급하신 가짜감정(엄마에게 듣고 싶은 말을 듣지 못해서 화가 남)이
    원감정(엄마에게 버림받을 까봐 무섭고 슬프고 무기력하다)을 덮고 있는 이유입니다.
    이것을 깨닫게 해주는(지적 통찰이 아닌 내적 통찰로) 탁월한 방법이 바로 AKEFT입니다.^^

    감정은 우리의 소원이 충족되고있는지 충족되지 못하고 있는지를 알려주는 바로메터입니다.
    이것을 잘 깨달으시면 지금 일어나고 있는 감정을 통해 자신을 연민으로 바라볼 수 있고, 상대방을 받아들일 수 있게됩니다.
    많은 행동이나 말, 태도는 자신의 소원을 그렇게 돌려서 얘기하고 있는 겁니다.

    자신의 무기력함의 느낌도 자신을 연민으로 바라보시면 원감정을 찾으실 수 있을겁니다.
    양육단계에서 판단받고 비판받고 평가받고 분석받으면서 선택의 여지 없이 강요되었던 많은 상처들이
    결국 자신의 내적분노와 자존감의 상실로 이어지면서 무기력을 경험하게 되는 겁니다.
    ("뭘해도 나는 소용이 없어. 또 야단 맞을테니까.." 이렇게 내 내면아이가 외치고 있는 것이 바로 무기력입니다..)
    잘 찾아 보시면 분명히 원감정을 보실 수 있게될겁니다.
    그렇게 되면 점점 더 원이슈에 다가가실 용기와 기회가 많아질 것이기도 하구요.^^

    모쪼록 앞으로도 꾸준히 자신을 찾는 여정을 계속해보시기 바랍니다. 축복합니다.
    사랑합니다. 고맙습니다.^^ 조화와 일치!!!

    P.S. 제가 드린 말씀은 백보 전진 1보후퇴를 실패로 여기고 낙담하지 말라는 거였는데
           삼보 전진 1보 후퇴는 너무 심하잖아요.^^ 농담입니다.^^;;

  • ?
    seacatt 2010.09.01 22:31
    ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ네 선생님
    삼보전진은 좀 심했나요!?! ㅎ.ㅎ

    정성어린 답변 감사합니다! 앞으로 꾸준히 해나갈게요, 좋은 하루 맨날 보내세요~ ^^

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